Blossom Blog

Over the past few months I have started noticing how much I use the word “perfect”. It got me to thinking, “why do I tend to use the word perfect so much?” Well…. I can’t say that I have had a great epiphany but I certainly have become more aware of this tendency. So much that when I saw Brene’ Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, I figured it might just answer some questions and I ordered it right away. I have read it twice since that day.

I almost started this blog post in the same way I start most of my journal entries, with “wow…it’s been so long since my last post”. Well, part of that reason is my tendency to think I need something to post that is outstanding, extraordinary, wonderful, …. perfect. I can easily lose sight of my initial intention with journaling and blogging. I am doing them primarily for myself. I guess you could say it is somewhat therapeutic, somewhat of a catharsis for my soul. Writing, pouring my heart out can be a little unnerving, uncovering my core vulnerabilities.

As a child I was never an “A” English student and was always the first to sit out of a spelling bee. I for one thank God for spell check! As I wrote about in my first blog, much of my procrastination of starting this blog came from fear. And there it is, the thing I gave the middle finger months ago rearing its ugly head…again. The fear comes from judgement. Judgement of those intellectual english people who diagram sentences for fun, yes the weird ones. I am just kidding, I am actually married to one of those. After over 40 years of marriage, he has just admitted this to me. I had to practice some introspective awareness and maturity to allow him to stay 😉

Getting back to that word, perfect. Brene’ Brown’s book was centered around living a life of wholeheartedness. She speaks of her necessary breakdown – spiritual awakening, that led her to living a more wholehearted life. I use the word necessary because it does take just that sometimes to get our attention… UGH!!!! Life seems to have a way of giving us exactly what we need to get us exactly where we need to be. NOT USUALLY PLEASANT for sure but if accepted, can be just the catalyst needed in leading us to living the best life ever…wholeheartedly.

I can’t say when my love affair with perfect began. When I look back it seems pretty clear it was after the birth of our first child Jessica. I don’t remember giving two sh#&s before then. Childbirth can cause some crazy stuff! However, it was a slow progression to the formation of my “perfect life”. Illusion is a more precise word for what is was. I somehow felt that if I could present this illusory perfect life I would somehow be “ok”. Perfect wife with a perfect husband, perfect marriage, perfect mom with perfect kids, perfect friend, perfect daughter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. All of these labels were an illusion of who and what I thought held me in a safe protected world where everyone’s perception was affirming my “goodness”. There was absolutely NO room for anything less… until there was.

Life happened and I had to make room. Room for a dose of reality, room for some grace, room for some mercy, room for some uncomfortable. The hard fact is, life handed me a great opportunity for finding my courage. Courage to open my heart to be seen, warts and all. Courage to allow for that earlier spoken vulnerabilities to expose my ordinariness. Not perfect, no not even close. Life gifted me with the gift of accepting the ordinary of “my life”. Just an ordinary gal, with an ordinary husband, with an ordinary marriage. An ordinary mom with ordinary kids. And you know what, I am more than”ok”.