Blossom Blog

Calvin and I married in July of ’82; he left two weeks after our wedding for basic training. At the time, my mother had an in home daycare business caring for preschoolers. While Calvin was away, we all had decided that the best thing for me to do was to stay with my parents rather than spend the extra money on housing…and the honest truth is, there was no extra money. I worked with my mom helping out in whatever way was needed. My mother was a patient and loving person when it came to children. I think it had a lot to do with her own childhood. Let’s just say, she had less than a fun filled time growing up. Her father abandoned the family pretty early on, leaving three children under the age of 10 and a wife in California with no where to go and no money. My mother being the oldest, took on the role as the parentified daughter. She cared for her younger brothers and sadly at times, even her own mother who did not always make the best decisions. Mom lovingly always tried to make our childhood everything that hers wasn’t. I cannot say I shared in my mother’s love of caring for children. The best I could muster at the time was tolerance. I will say, this was certainly one of those jobs that let me know what I did NOT want to do.

I was recently reminded of an activity mom would do with the little tots. She would have all the children sit on the floor and she would say, “Do you want to go on a bear hunt”? Of course the kids would get all excited and scream “yeah!!” The activity was an analogy…. a bear hunt that was met with many obstacles much like life itself. At each of these obstacles, mom would dramatically act out her part as guide. When they came to the vast river she would say in a very animated voice, “we can’t go around it…we can’t go over it… we can’t go under it…we have TO GO THROUGH IT.” Each obstacle, a grassy field, a snowstorm, a dark forest, was all met with similar challenges and the realization that the only choice was to go through it. At the end of the story they would get to a cave where they found the scary bear and frightened, would all run to the safety of home. Now of course this is just a children’s activity, but we certainly know that the writer had a much bigger objective than just fun and entertainment.

My memory of this was brought on by a process of going through some things in the past few years trying to get to a place of peace, joy, and healing. Now this is where I am going to get real and raw. This process is not easy! The going through pretty much suck! It is the hard conversation that needs to be had with a spouse. It is the job that drains the life out of you that you should have walked away from years ago. It is the child that needs to be left in jail because you have bailed them out five times before. It is standing up for yourself when you have been quiet far too long. THE HARD….It is why so many times I have either denied, refused to look at, ignored, or withdrew from the uncomfortable. I just did not want to go through it. It was easier to just sweep it all under the rug. Now this was not conscious on my part, but a very dysfunctional way of dealing with issues that needed attention, an immature coping skill that I had picked up on very early on in my childhood. No- I am not blaming my parents here. I am a grown ass woman who is taking full responsibility for my actions and the consequences. I have learned, and am learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable!

I love listening to podcast. I don’t listen much to radio, but I usually always have either a podcast or an audiobook playing. One of the podcast I at times listen to is The Rob Cast hosted by Rob Bell. There is a particular episode that I have listened to multiple times and can’t get through it without crying and having a new appreciation of God’s great love for me. Rob Bell, You Have Come to This Mountain, The Robcast, 5/18/20, https://robbell.com/podcast-episode/you-have-come-to-this-mountain/ I have included the website if you would like to listen.

In reference to the episode, You Have Come to This Mountain, I will have to say that for way too long I have had my eyes turned toward Mt. Sinai. All the while God has provided another mountian, Mt. Zion, as a precious place of peace, joy, and healing that I so desire. My face has been burned from the hot judgement, the fear, the condemnation, the lack, the hurt, the pain, all that Mt. Sinai represents. But God… God has for me a beautiful place, a kingdom, a perfect place where there is NO judgement, NO condemnation, NO lack, NO hurt, NO pain. I am not talking about something out there somewhere, NO…God has this for me NOW! My problem, my biggest obstacle, is that in order for me to get to that beautiful place of peace, joy, and healing, there is something that must change…I must change. Then the door opens and I go through, choosing to turn my face toward Mt. Zion. I have to change my perspective from one of a victim to one who is victorious. I have to change my story from one of abuse, trauma, self-betrayal and heartbreak to one of love, healing, confidence, and forgiveness. I have to accept that I can no longer go around, over or under, I have to be willing to GO THROUGH the river….the river of change.

I think I can safely say that most of us don’t really like change. We are much more comfortable with a predictable sequence to life, staying put in our current situation, regardless of the shit show that it is… it is at least predictable. So we set our anchor deep into the shore, refusing to make the much needed changes. No doubt change is one of the uncomfortables in life, but change is actually necessary to be healthy and to stay healthy. While we can not evolve without change, we can and do avoid it…. we distract from it through whatever means; work, food, alcohol, sex, whatever is needed to keep the voice of change quiet. However, change will not be silenced forever…and when forced, it will find its way, and when it chooses you… it is not pretty! Change leads us to the going through, and the going through is the scary place, the unknown place, the unfamiliar place, the place with no signs, no one, just what seems like a big scary bear…. it takes everything in you and more just to step into the water.

I had a photo shoot done for myself, for my 60th birthday. Let me tell you, I WAS SCARED. I almost talked myself out of it but let me tell you, It was the most freeing things I have ever done. Something I am proud of, not because of the pictures themselves, but because I was uncomfortable, and I did it anyway. Jessica and my niece Brooke were my cheerleaders who made me feel so much at ease . See Brooke’s work here, Brooke Holloway Photography Getting back to my story, I didn’t think too much at the time about the relevance of the pictures being made at the Flint River; when I woke up the next day it hit me.

The river of change that I spoke of is not a concept that I came up with, but one of my mentor’s, Dr. Joe Dispenza. I have heard him speak numerous time on “The River of Change” and I have since used it as a visual of my own. How ironic that the pictures that I wanted as a representation of strength, courage, power, bravery, and yes change just happened to be taken at a river. On the day the picture were taken, it was a cold November afternoon. I had to change from one outfit to another, climb up on rocks, old tree stumps, and walk barefoot into the cold river. There were many swear words flying to say the least. The last picture…the one I almost didn’t do….and my very favorite, required me to lie down in the river as if I was being baptized, surrendering to its power and might. None of it was comfortable, but all of it was necessary.

I want to be able to end saying I’ve made it across. I am on the other side. I have turned my face toward Mt. Zion and I am everything it represents…but I can’t. What I can say is that I have made the decision to step in, to go through what I must. I am willing to do the hard and embrace change, welcome change, even be the change when needed. To let the uncomfortable be and know that I am ok and loved through it all. I am not really sure, do we ever get totally through and across to the other side? Maybe it is a continuous journey where we get to the other side, then we are challenged again with a question, are you willing to change? To turn your face to Mt. Zion? To step into the river? Which ever it is, this I know, God created us in His image and His desire for us is to be like Him and nothing we go through, no challenge, no hurt, no pain, NOTHING is ever out of His sight or out of His order…..He is the home we run to.